secretive

You might think I’m a bitch… but it is called being brutally honest… if you think that I will sit by and watch you cheat on someone… then think again… I’m the bitch that will come down on you like a tonne of fucking bricks and then watch you struggle to breathe… and then… just when you think you might be able to get your breath back… I will bring down that second tonne of bricks, just to watch you choke to death… 

Im not one to blog frequently, & even if I plan to, it usually doesn’t work out that way. However, when I do blog, it is usually lengthy. I should probably leave this until I’m home & can type instead of swype, but I’m slightly bored waiting for my train.

so the last time I left a msg on here I ended up deleting it, what should have been a match made in heaven bdsm relationship was not such at all. A submissive should never have to give a lecture on a find level of violence… Hence, less than a week down the track, goodby dom. There is a large difference between dominance & violence, & he want even borderline dom, it was just violence… to my advantage though, when I fight back I knew that he wouldn’t tell anyone… 1 he didn’t like being beaten at his own game by a girl, 2 his friends had no idea of his true nature, & therefore he wanted to keep things quiet. So, anyway, that was the end of that very short initial bdsm relationship, but very easily did not leave a scar (physically or emotionally)… I’ve had worse.

Then there was mister perfect, our so he seemed… I seem to attract & choose the assholes… This one, very gentlemanly, except for that bit where he fell off the face of the earth with the excuse ‘my friends & family need me’… Thats great, I see your point, friends & family should come first… So obviously I’m not your friend since you dont feel the need to msg me… Unfortunately for you, I didn’t let myself get emotionally attached, or physically attached… its hard to get attached to someone who wasnt that good in bed…

However, both of these incidents have been a contribution to other stresses & pressures. A heavy workload with a full time job where you just dont stop (i refuse to miss my breaks though), a heavier workload with part time external university, using annual leave to complete my practical placements (so I haven’t actually had a holiday in 2 years besides christmas), & battling depression which has been niggling at the back of my brain for the last 5 months.

So everything piled together creates lack of sleep, & a bad thought processor… Some of my closer friends already know some of the thoughts I was having. I hope they already know, & if not, this iss my reassurance to you… I would never act on what I was thinking. It is not in my nature & despite a failed marriage, multiple partners, & a string of bad health, I have way too much to live for. It us very hard to see it at times, but thinking those thoughts was what kicked my ass into gear to do something about it. So, its only a small dose, but after a couple of weeks on antidepressants again, I’m starting to feel better slowly, & I’m starting to regain my own self. God I’ve missed being myself dearly. I’ve still a long way to go, but at least I’m doing something about getting there.

A lot of people won’t notice it, but my mother & my ex bf (you know who you are & you have been my rock) both understand how independent I am. For me to utter the words ’ help me’, I would need to be in dire straights. This is my downfall, & I know it. ‘Why didn’t you call me & talk to me about it? You know I will always be here for you?’ Which answer would you prefer? You have enough on your own plate without having to deal with my crap. You seemed happy with xxx so I didn’t want to disturb you. If you paid more attention you would have known that something was wrong. Or, the most accurate… You know that I can’t ask you for help. It us not in my nature. My pride & fear gets in the way.

For those who figured out something was wrong though… Thank you for your support. I know its hard to be there for someone who refuses to ask for help… We are the ones who will usually drown in our own sorrows, & you would be none the wiser. We know how to hide our pain from everyone. Sometimes you can read it in my eyes, & you are the one that I will keep by my side for eternity. I need you by my side.

I am so so so independent. But I canty live without my close friends. I can’t live without the returns that care about me as well as themselves… These are the friends who take two seconds out of their day to stop complaining about their own life. I have very few friends like this, but they are the ones that I will protect with all my being. These friends never have to have a worry in the world. These friends will have my support as soon as my phone rings at 3am. Tell me whats wrong. Tell me what u can do to help fix it. Trust me, we will be fine my precious.

Yay! On the ground again!

Resorting to tumblr as my update app for the morning… My mother & sister dont know that I’m coming home for the weekend so I’m not allowed on my usual facebook…. Sigh… No check ins, no posts, can’t even check my page or it updates my location! Stoopid surprise… So super duper excited!